Coversations

It was probably rattling around in my head somewhere, but tonight, it all came into focus.

JT(a cuddle-buddy...Well, my last remaining cuddle-buddy), the closest thing to a significant other that I have, and my closest female friend, has left me. Ironically, for another guy with the same name as me. And not a white guy. I don't think my ego could handle another one. (back-story: all the girls I've dated have turned to white men after me, with one exception...and exception that didn't survive.)

At the same time, I'm not really sure if she left. She didn't give a definitive "I'm out," and the conversation ended on a fuzzy and iffy note. But I will write this as if she did leave...

First off, I'd like to describe what I believe love to be. To me, love is when you want someone to be happy, despite what costs you pay for it. Love is when you are happy that he/she is happy, even if it's not with you.

Love is when you find happiness in his/her joy, no matter what you had to give up to create it.

I'd apply this definition to love of any kind,  be it friendly, brotherly, familial, or romantic. And I will say that I do love her, but she uses a different definition than I, and I could not give her the "love" that she wanted. I really didn't feel a romantic love towards her. I felt our relationship of intimate friendship to be far superior to any romantic relationship we could have had. (That and her smoking habit annoyed me to no end, hypocrisy or not.)

And that's why she left. But I can't say I'm too sad about it. I mean, I will be lonely again, but that hole in my chest that loneliness created has been there for quite some time, and I doubt this will make it much bigger than it already is.

Actually, I'm kinda happy for her, that she was able to find someone "like (me), but a million times nicer!" She said it in a nice way, so don't go thinking she's a bitch. It sounds better in person than on paper, especially with more contextual conversation.

I'd like to think of him as an improved me. A 2.0, for lack of a better term. While she did give me opportunities to stop her from leaving and keep her, she often spoke of the opportunities and relationships that she gave up because of me. It didn't really come as a surprise. For the last several months, we did not have as much contact as we had once upon a time. I'd be lucky to see her five hours a month towards the end.

This situation does, however, lend credence to my thoughts of what pants I would be at long term relationships.


I'd like to say "What's done is done," but I can't, seeing as there is a possibility of her coming back, as her parting words were rather ambiguous.

We'll see how this plays out.

Either way, that hole in my chest will have to sort itself out.

Persistence made my night

or I would have spent it watching Gray's Anatomy. And that would have sucked.

Instead, me and two others went on a short jaunt to Turtle Rock in the heights above Irvine. Again, I found out how out of shape I was, but was in good shape comparatively. The view up there was great, both the city lights and the moon.

I'm told that this year is the smallest Singing Moon, and every full moon starting from next year will gradually become larger.

Assassin's Creed 2 has so far proven awesome and not at all repetitive as its predecessor. And I did test out of the CSUF climbing wall. (Note to self: Remember, the right hand is always closer to the grigri)

In other news:

I decided I like Africa better than I like Rosanna.

And Uncrate is awesome, and this tells me why.

Dreams and Related Actions, + Summary

A few nights ago, I dreamed of running over rooftops, climbing walls, and gleaming blades.
After mulling about it for a bit, I realized what I had to do.

Today, I purchased Assassin's Creed II.


More on that in further posts.

Had "Meat Night" on Saturday with Kevin, Tiffy, Richard, and Nan. Was enjoyable.

Visited new Total Wine and More in Brea. It was ginormous. It was glorious. Purchased a 12yr Highland Park to replace the Glenfiddich I'm about to finish. Price ain't too bad.

I'll probably try to test out on the CSUF rock wall tomorrow or Wednesday. Climbing also made me realize yet again how out of shape I am. But I find that it's not that I lack the willpower to work out/exercise, but that it's a boring activity. Company would be nice, but most likely unavailable on my schedule.

On another note, I broached the subject of moving out of the house with my parents. Did not go well, but did not go badly either. Will attempt to get them to agree to let me live at the La Habra cottage if it cannot be sold by the time I graduate. Discussion also ranged to occupational questions. It has been decided that a broker's license and a general contractor's license is in my future...as is a reduced chance of romantic relations with members of the fairer sex.

In other news:

Season 3 of Castle premieres tonight. I plan on a night of me, a sixth bottle of Glenfiddich, and Castle, with a game of Starcraft thrown in there somewhere, and paperwork on top everything.

Zhongqiujie is Thursday. I hope to spend it doing something other than drinking scotch by myself on the balcony while puffing cigarillos and eating mooncake, but as it stands, this is the most likely outcome.

Climbing

Coincidentally, and I mean that in the "once is chance" kinda way, indoor rock climbing has taken center stage of my past week.

Thursday, I met up with my old Fairmont classmate, Alex. He had previously said that he wanted to try out the climbing wall at CSUF. He is apparently experienced in the sport, being a supervisor at his own UCI rock wall.

As a side note, isn't it amazing how guys can meet up after 8 years apart and can pretty much grunt and fall into old patterns without getting excited and interrogating each other over what the other did over the previous years?

Anyways, I joined Alex in his adventure, letting him in as a guest in the CUSF recreation center. End result: my first experience with indoor rock climbing. I didn't want to wear the rock climbing shoes they provided, instead relying on my Vibram Five Fingers, which I thought turned out pretty well. If I get more into this sport, I might consider getting shoes of my own, but until then....meh.

But an essential piece of equipment I realized was immediately necessary was chalk and a chalk bag, right when I discovered my hands tuned into portable swamps when climbing.

After this first foray into climbing, I joined another group of friends on their adventure to Hanger 18 that Saturday, newly acquired chalk in hand. And really, I don't know if it was the company, or because I was more prepared for it, but it was a much better experience this time around. I again went with the Five Fingers, and experienced some of its limitations compared to actual rock climbing shoes, but they worked. I also saw this HOPA rock climber, who was freaking incredible, both in looks and skill. If I ever get that good, maybe some girl would say the same thing about me one day.

just sayin...

In other news:

Halo: Reach is being released tonight. And I don't have a pre-order. Or an Xbox. I do want to play the game, but I have no faith in the hardware after my, and 13 of my friends', Xbox red-ringed. Maybe I'll get a Slim after a few months or so, unless Reach totally blows me away and I get one within the next few weeks.

I'd rather spend the money on climbing and shooting gear though.

Restaurants

People often observe that every time we finish a meal, I immediately want to leave, ie. "You can't sit still and enjoy the atmosphere?"

First of all, this ain't like afterglow or post-coital cuddling, which I can enjoy just fine. It's just that sitting around in a restaurant pales in comparison to sitting around on some comfy couches at home, or going off on new adventures. It would be different had we all ordered drinks and desert or sommat, but we may as well go to a bar or a drink shop for that.

The second reason is I've spent too much of my life waiting for tables in busy restaurants, and Id rather not subject anyone else to it in a fit of hypocrisy. Case in point, this last Saturday. I'd bet the shabu would have tasted a lot better without the bad taste of waiting so long in my mouth.

Oh, and Tiffy's new apartment? The lock sucks ass. Just sayin.

Oh, and for the other Young twin, the new couch is nice n' all, but really, count the cushions before you drive off with it next time.

The Enemy

We are beset on all sides by the enemies of life;
Exhaustion, Stress, Hunger, Fear, all these and more.

But the most annoying and least important of all,
and yet may be the most important and driving of all
is Sexual Frustration.