Coversations

It was probably rattling around in my head somewhere, but tonight, it all came into focus.

JT(a cuddle-buddy...Well, my last remaining cuddle-buddy), the closest thing to a significant other that I have, and my closest female friend, has left me. Ironically, for another guy with the same name as me. And not a white guy. I don't think my ego could handle another one. (back-story: all the girls I've dated have turned to white men after me, with one exception...and exception that didn't survive.)

At the same time, I'm not really sure if she left. She didn't give a definitive "I'm out," and the conversation ended on a fuzzy and iffy note. But I will write this as if she did leave...

First off, I'd like to describe what I believe love to be. To me, love is when you want someone to be happy, despite what costs you pay for it. Love is when you are happy that he/she is happy, even if it's not with you.

Love is when you find happiness in his/her joy, no matter what you had to give up to create it.

I'd apply this definition to love of any kind,  be it friendly, brotherly, familial, or romantic. And I will say that I do love her, but she uses a different definition than I, and I could not give her the "love" that she wanted. I really didn't feel a romantic love towards her. I felt our relationship of intimate friendship to be far superior to any romantic relationship we could have had. (That and her smoking habit annoyed me to no end, hypocrisy or not.)

And that's why she left. But I can't say I'm too sad about it. I mean, I will be lonely again, but that hole in my chest that loneliness created has been there for quite some time, and I doubt this will make it much bigger than it already is.

Actually, I'm kinda happy for her, that she was able to find someone "like (me), but a million times nicer!" She said it in a nice way, so don't go thinking she's a bitch. It sounds better in person than on paper, especially with more contextual conversation.

I'd like to think of him as an improved me. A 2.0, for lack of a better term. While she did give me opportunities to stop her from leaving and keep her, she often spoke of the opportunities and relationships that she gave up because of me. It didn't really come as a surprise. For the last several months, we did not have as much contact as we had once upon a time. I'd be lucky to see her five hours a month towards the end.

This situation does, however, lend credence to my thoughts of what pants I would be at long term relationships.


I'd like to say "What's done is done," but I can't, seeing as there is a possibility of her coming back, as her parting words were rather ambiguous.

We'll see how this plays out.

Either way, that hole in my chest will have to sort itself out.