Wednesday, November 11, 2009


I often think it unfair that women can carry purses, those impossibly deep black holes from which anything and everything might emerge. Since high school, I found my self wishing that I had a way to carry a large number of objects on my person without having to resort to a backpack. Living in SoCal, men could carry messenger bags and attache cases, but doing so casually(non-work related reasons) can and will promote insults along the lines of "man-purse" and "murse," and queries as to the state of one's manhood. Not to mention that the bag bounced around as soon as one began to move with any measure of speed. So messenger bags were unacceptable.

I tried many things, the worst being those imbecilic string bags that people wear as wannabe backpacks now a days, you know, this kind:

I even used an Vietnam era M-14 bandoleer, which worked out pretty well, but looked odd.

I eventually settled on a long black trench coat I had received as a gift from a friend. That worked excellently, as it had deep, roomy pockets that could fit just about anything. It also doubled as a blanket, capable of doing anything a blanket could, but looking more stylish than any blanket ever could(I thought). However, the coat tended to draw suspicious looks from people, and made me more recognizable than I cared to be. Despite its drawbacks, I probably would have kept wearing it even to this day had it not been for my ex-girlfriend running off with it. She denies it to this day, of course, but we know the truth(maybe).

After my beloved coat went missing(I've been accused of missing the coat more than the girl. It's true.), I got to thinking. What do women carry in their purses that men have to carry too? Well, that was obvious: wallet, keys, cellphones, ipod(this was before the advent of media phones), etc. Now where did men carry these essential items? Why, in our pants, of course! Along with everything else that's important! Pun intended.

As a side note, I don't believe women(in my area, at least) to be able to carry this stuff in their pants pockets, for several reasons: they're wearing shorts with small pockets, their jeans are so tight it the pants may burst if one tried to fit more than a credit card or three in them, or their pants don't even have pockets(unimaginable for men's trousers)! As it is, I'm not really complaining. Women's pants do excel at one thing: showing off their legs.

By this time, I had begun my college career, and it just so happens that there was(and still is) a military surplus store about a block away from my college campus. I thought to myself, "If a man couldn't find pants with large pockets at Mil-Surplus store, he might as well shoot himself."

Turns out, I'm still here, and I'm wearing the best pair of pants a man could hope for. Double and triple stitching, with bartacks all over the place. The pockets edges are reinforced for knife clips(I had previously experienced wear and tear due to said knife clips on other pants, so this was extremely welcome.), and the seat and knees of the pants are double thickness heavy cotton canvas(or nylon, whichever). Best of all, it had a pair of side cargo pockets and back pockets that could pretty much hold a paperback novel apiece. Not just any paperback either, I'm talking War and Peace, unabridged.

To this day, I'm still wearing the same goddamn pair of pants I first purchased 3 years ago, and they're structurally damn near brand new, if looking a tad faded. I now own five pairs of the same pants, (all different colors), which I switch off every 3 days. I've got so much stuff in those pockets, I gain 5lbs when I put them on. I wear them to work, to school, around the house, in the back woods, when I go running...I wear them to damn near anything that doesn't call for me to be in a suit or buck naked.

So right now, I just want to express my gratitude to 5.11 Tactical, makers of the 5.11 Tactical Pants.
If you get a chance to try on a pair, please, do so. You won't be disappointed.

the neat tag that comes with the pants.

1 comment:

tibbyme said...

its called a man the guys carry around in asia or europe. DUH