Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Ninja Assassin - A Review

If ninjas were as powerful and as numerous as they were in the movie, I'm surprised we aren't all sitting in seiza while eating udon noodles speaking Japanese to each other. Really, with that kind of power, they could have conquered the world already. A hundred pounds of gold? They should just knock over Fort Knox, there should be almost a million pounds in there. That's ten thousand assassinations, more than enough to make any gold-hungry ninja's day.

That said, the movie sucked balls. I don't care a wit that Rain was the protagonist or whatever, because really, neither of the two people in the theater watching the movie knew what the heck Rain looked like anyway.

And I say that with certainty, 'cause I was one of those two people. The other is the one taking the picture.

The only person I really cared about was Han(I don't know his real name, but he's Han from Tokyo Drift and Better Luck Tomorrow), who only showed up in the first scene anyway. Not that he could show up later on anyway, seeing as the first scene was pretty terminal for him.

But the movie does have its merits. It was fun to watch while making snarky comments about how venerable old ninja masters spoke English but named all his students in Japanese. The action was almost non-stop, and I say almost because the producers decided they needed to insert some totally unnecessary back-story and plot into a bloody ninja film. Speaking of blood, if the amount show is not enough to satisfy you, I doubt anything will, because I will tell you right now, from experience, the human body does not contain that much blood. Really. And for so much to come pouring out of a body, it should have bits of other stuff in it, like shit, because nothing complements the smell of a nice puddle of blood like the smell of warm shit mixed in.

Oh, and the movie had another point in its favor. It reminded me how out of shape I am. Will be getting right on that as soon as finals are over.

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